Connection, Compassion, Communication and Hope In Grief and Lockdown

We all crave connection; an understanding of the world and to be understood within it. We all have moments of feeling insignificant and helpless and some days, a transformation takes place and we feel helpful again, whole or worthy. We feel we are enough and that where we are, the place we find ourselves in our own lives, the emotional and spiritual strength we know is lying within our hearts; dormant and vibrant in grief, is right in front of us and it’s okay. A moment of clarity comes and compassion, not just for others, but ourselves, comes to us and for a moment, at least, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I’ve learned a lot in the last few weeks; about grief, creativity, kindness and compassion. I’ve learned that the importance and strength of connection with others during my own ever present broken-hearted existence, is crucial for my mental and emotional health, but also in this huge global event, connection and communication seems to be top of the list.

Every single one us mere mortals needs to be and feel loved, worthy and be shown compassion.

I choose to step away from the news and the excessive bombardment of fear-based politics and information and prefer to spend quiet time in the garden, listening to the birds, or using my one walk a day to find solace in the woodland around us and the years old trees, that seem to bow and hold me as I stroll, ensuring I feel their presence, as I lose myself in my thoughts and try to find meaning and purpose in my life.

Counselling has been so important in my ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other in recent weeks and months. Yesterday was not a good day. I don’t know why, but the tidal wave of grief hit and I was undeniably floored by it, thrown completely into the darkest of thoughts, the loneliest and most frightening of places. My youngest had compounded my inability to be able to support her and cope with my own feelings, when she expressed her own fears and worries. We both cuddled and found that connection, that support we were both craving in our days without Ben.

I was so exhausted by the emotion of it all, that I simply collapsed into a two-hour slumber right where I was and woke up later, feeling numb. The same numb feeling I’d had the day after Ben had died.

I found myself wandering back up to the back garden, to his tyre swing and sat there and listened to the birds. I was alone, or so I thought. I have come to realise that my son will never let me struggle alone.

I realised in my complete moment of giving up, that my dog, Gus hadn’t left my side. He’d seen me leave the house and followed up and bizarrely, as I stood ‘alone’ on the swing, I spied a beetle on a tree leaf. It was just sitting there and I laughed through my tears. Ben and I would listen to Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band a lot, one of my Dad’s faves, too, on our trips to and from Hospital. I felt right then and there that he had shown me that it is totally ok to feel so desperate and so alone in grief, but that he will never be far from my side and the fact is, I’m not alone. He won’t let me be! Connection. I really felt it yesterday and within a few minutes, I wandered back towards the house, sad and still numb, but comforted and in a space of reluctant acceptance.

My girls, in Ben’s absence, find it hard. They, all three of my bears, have always been so close, whether bickering or giggling. So, there’s no doubt that relationships and connections have wobbled around in search of their new status and we have been through days where communication barely happens at all and where there are moments of disgruntled unhappy behaviour and eventually, the need for connection overtakes everything.

My eldest and youngest have recently found a new balance in their sisterly relationship through music. Their connection is ever strong, but different. They are very different characters, but today, my youngest has been playing the piano, eldest has sung and is now ‘reluctantly’ – she says ‘having to learn the guitar again.’ This is because she wants to sing with it. It made me smile. She was learning guitar a few years back and is now finding music a real way of expression; they both are.

We clap for the NHS and my husband drums every week and we are constantly reminded of human acts of kindness.

We see more compassion for each other, more understanding, more kindness. People are finding new ways to connect and we are beginning to really understand the value in each other, in family. There is no time machine, there’s no going back and no repeating all that we have done or not done.

In losing Ben, I am so very well aware of the need for connection. Loving and parenting a child who has died is really difficult, but I do it every day. I find a way to connect, looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, the messages, the strength of courage and all things creative to keep that connection going. Some days, like today, the pain and joy in finally being able to speak to my counsellor about the complete uncomfortable sense of vulnerability I feel and have felt, which at times has left me feeling so low and yet, after speaking the discomfort out loud, frustrated because I am usually a ‘glass half full’ girl and a ‘positive’ soul, I realised that the ability to remain that way without really showing and being my true authentic self, was going to be an impossible feat of nature. I realised that I could actually find courage in just being me and feeling how I feel in every moment and that is enough. That was a very, very big wake up call for me today and rather than positivity, I choose the word, ‘hope.’ I might not always be positive, but I will always be hopeful.

When I think about hope and the world, I like to believe that the world is quietly waking up in lockdown. Waking up to the possibilities after this is all over; waking up to the opportunity for change; for good.

Maybe companies will realign themselves better to allow more working from home? With so many at home, yes, there may be some technical difficulties from time to time, but connection, creativity, ideas are beginning to blossom and the earth is beginning to bloom, too.

The lack of cars on the road is allowing the birds and other creatures to return to places they might once have inhabited, before we cut down the trees, ruined their habitat for our own needs.

There is a growing awareness of the huge impact we humans are having on the environment, by leaving it well alone. I wonder if this will actually sink in enough, for us to change the way we live? Leaders have said it would be impossible, yet in this current situation, we’re doing it ….

I wonder if we will have garden supermarkets in the future?

I wonder if we’ll share more of what we do have and if we’ll connect more because we know what it feels like to be isolated? I wonder if we will value our elders and show more respect, knowing that they have been vulnerable and we have been losing far too many people from this virus?

I wonder if we will appreciate the health service, the key workers, the ‘unskilled’ a little more, knowing that they are actually the most skilled in a crisis and my goodness, aren’t we grateful?

I wonder if lessons will be learned about how we behave towards each other, what we think is important, versus what is really important?

I hope lockdown teaches us compassion, creativity and kindness in future days and months. We are not invincible and we have been unkind to each other and the planet for far too long. I hope for an awakening of epic proportions through this stint of separation.

Love is what binds us.

I hope we continue to find connection in all things and I hope we see, really see, all that is truly important in our learning.

When I think about all that my son learned himself over his young years and I see the next generation learning from home right now; I hope that the adults among us pay attention. I hope us adults learn from this entire situation. I hope we learn compassion, understanding of what truly matters and learn some lessons from this, meaning that the example we set our beautiful children for the future, once this lockdown ends, is something we can be really proud of.

I hope our children grow up to see the earth blooming as it is, without us impacting it the way we have been until now. I hope they get to enjoy and be blessed with the opportunity to see nature thriving, to see the oceans return to clear blue, the skies without so many contrails and see a world where compassionate souls who listen is the norm and where they can always feel connected, appreciated, valued and loved.

Our magnolia tree